An Update to My Faith Crisis
Yesterday, my wife and I went to church. As I’ve said before, despite my lack of faith, I will join my wife in hers at church. On the trip home, my wife expressed feelings that she seems to have been holding in for sometime since I talked to her about my faith crisis.
She said things like “I know that one day I will be going to church alone”, “you’re breaking the promises we made during our wedding and sealing”, “it’s not fair”, and “you’re going to hell”. That last one was a bit of a joke. The one that has stuck with me the most though was “you’re too closed minded”.
I wish I had this change of mind and faith before I met my wife. I do feel I am breaking those promises. I’m not a worthy priesthood holder. I’m not temple worthy. And I most likely will not teach my son the gospel or Bible stories as factual events. My heart hurts. If I had only known sooner, this pain could have been avoided.
I love my wife. If there is an eternity, I do wish to spend it with her. I do want to see my mother again in some afterlife, free of pain. That part at least hasn’t changed. But my belief that that will ever happen has faded.
My wife blurted out a lot in a short span of time as we walked across the parking garage of our apartment. I doubt she meant most of it, but i could tell her feelings were sincere. I don’t want to take her away from the faith. I don’t believe I could if I tried. I didn’t even want to take myself away from the faith. But I couldn’t square my reality with my belief. The things I’ve learned, the things I know to be true based on evidence could not coincide with what I was taught to and did believe. When my wife told me I was “closed minded”, it stung.
It stung because I have spent years trying to merge what I know and my faith together in some apologetic fashion. I’ve spent countless hours reading, watching, listening, even praying for answers and trying to see things through different view points. The conclusion I have (if I can even call it that) I do not come to lightly. If there is a God, I have expressed my desire to know Him. But at this time I have not been persuaded into a belief of a God. I know it’s not fair to her. I mourn the promises I made with my wife. I mourn my belief.
I hope one day she may forgive me.